Firstly though the argument last night got me thinking about howto argue. I mean, BF and I don't argue effectively at all, in fact a general argument would go something like this:
ME: *simmering about something which is irritating me but being afraid to mention it in a calm way for fear of starting a spiral argument of frustration and shouting*
BF: *continuing to do thing which is irritating me without seeming to realise*
ME: *finally snapping and making an irrational comment*
BF: *rising to irrational comment by snapping back nastily, making me feel defensive*
me trying to put my point across, BF talking over me and not letting me finish (assuming he already knows what I'm going to say so not thinking he needs to listen), me getting shoutier and swearier the more he does it, me stomping off and not speaking to him for, perhaps hours (I am VERY good at sulking and holding a grudge), BF then talking to me as if nothing has happened, whole argument starting again before we finally realise that neither one of us is ever wrong.
My point; BF makes me feel as though my feelings are not valid so if he doesn't agree with me about something then I have no right to get upset. His point; it's not his intention to make me feel that way so it's my fault for getting upset over a 'perceived' slight.
It gets us nowhere fast. It gets me incredibly pissed off and frustrated, and it makes us shout at each other :-(
So, would I prefer it if we never argued at all? Well I just found this little excerpt from a blog:
When couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable.
I'm not saying that my relationship is better than my friends' but this quote hit the nail on the head for me; it's about intimacy isn't it? Or at least having a bit of spark? Friend hasn't told me in so many words but I also get the impression that their sex life is (I think by choice) not that 'abundant' shall we say, and if you haven't got arguing or sex, what have you got? A nice safe and companionable but, dare I say it, dull life?
I think I'll work on my arguing and communication style and opt to keep the spark going