'The song was too big for you!'
'You totally owned the stage!!'
'You were out of your comfort zone!'
'You were born to be a singer/performer!'
'You deserve to be on that stage!'
Please note - the excess exclamation marks are very much intentional. Each of these statements MUST BE SAID IN A STATE OF EXTREME EXCITMENT AS THOUGH THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THING TO HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE BERLIN WALL CAME DOWN!!!!. Although I'm not crediting the judges with enough brains to know anything about the Berlin wall, miaoooowwww.
Ok, so I'm obviously talking about the X Factor and other such crappy 'reality' shows but, more to the point, I'm annoyed with MYSELF for actually watching. hmmmm.
I hate everything about it. So much so that I'm going to list those things for you...
The hideous and frankly abusive way in which contestants, some of whom I would venture to say are mentally unwell, are 'auditioned' and ridiculed for being, let's face it, embarrassing in their complete inability to sing.
The lonnnnnnnnng drawn out process whereby we all find out about the saaaaaad family secrets and stereotypical types. Staple examples; single parents, no money, dead siblings, bullying at school, too fat, too thin, interesting to look at (ugly) jack the lad, racist, thick as two short planks, posh boy trying to be rough etc etc etc..
Over produced numbers to cover up the lack of vocal talent
The predictablity, or worse, the fake pretence at unpredictability. Shock horror! So & So has been booted out!! National outcry in the Daily Mail!!
I could go on. You should read this book if you want to know what I mean:
I like to think (well I KNOW) that I am intelligent enough to see through all the crap and know full well that the whole thing is one big 'fix' (I don't go as far as saying the votes are fixed, but pretty much everything else is). I also think that I am intelligent enough to therefore, hmmm, I don't know, NOT WATCH??? but no, no, no, no, no. I watch it, and I hate it, but I can't not. Am I addicted?!!! Can I give it up?! Is it like alcohol? I love it because it makes me feel good momentarily but ultimately it makes me dislike myself on a very basic and base level. hmm, sounds familiar.
This is how my Sunday evenings go at the moment:
Sit down to catch up with recorded stuff from over the weekend; Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor, to be specific.
Start with Strictly - watch the whole episode (approx 2 hours worth) in about 30 minutes - fast forwarding through all the crap and irrelevance and literally just watching each dance and the following judge comments.
Watch the Strictly results show - over an hour's programme in about 5 minutes - just the actual result please!!
Followed by the X Factor, which in it's crapness is FAR FAR in advance of Strictly. Hours worth of telly reduced to; singing, judge comments, ff and move on to the next. None of the abovementioned things which I HATE hate hate hate hate hate hate hate....
Then, finally, I'll watch the X Factor results. All over in about 5 minutes in my world. Not interested in the guests, the flashbacks, the interviews, the tears, the 'tension'.
So why do I do it? My epiphany happened tonight. I realised that I am actually making myself miserable by watching these programmes. I annoy myself. I get frustrated. It doesn't make me a better person, it makes me a worse person. Just like white wine, I suppose.
