It's been a while....

....but I'm back. With a headache brought on by a drastic Dukan diet necessitated by the huge excesses of the holidays and a number of panics:

1. That my relationship is going down the pan because of our excessive drinking.
2. That I'm going through the early menopause and therefore won't be able to have our longed for 3rd child
3. That one of my friends doesn't like me any more.
4. That I am really not a very good mother at all.



Which isn't good. I'll take them one at a time, starting with number one.....

I drink too much, and so does my partner. It's not a surprise and we are both well aware of it, but events over Christmas and New Year brought everything into a very sharp and frankly painful perspective. It culminated on Christmas night, after a looooooong day on about 4 hours sleep for both of us the previous night.

At the end of the day BF was so drunk he could barely stand up. I was drunk and very very tired. He looked to me to have the potential (in my drunken mind which exaggerated everything and over-reacted - I'm not going to lie) to be violent; me screaming at him to 'get out of my fucking house' repeatedly, followed by sobbing into his brother's shoulder in view of his mum and dad was not my proudest moment. It makes me feel sick with embarrassment to think of it now; more so that people (our own family? Friends?) will not want to spend time with us and frankly, who can blame them?

I'm miserable with it, I'm fed up. Just before New Year I informed BF that I would be leaving him in the New Year - he slept in the car that night (again, we were staying with friends who all rallied round, will they want to go away with us ever again? Possibly not?).

It has to stop, and the only ones who can do anything about it are us. We are going to supper tonight with friends - if we can have a civilized meal including a couple of glasses of wine, then I know we will have made a start......................