To Argue or Not to Argue, that is the question!

So BF and I had a big argument last night. Nothing particularly new there, but it got me thinking about arguing, and how some people claim that they NEVER argue with their partners. Is this a good thing or not?



Firstly though the argument last night got me thinking about howto argue. I mean, BF and I don't argue effectively at all, in fact a general argument would go something like this:

ME: *simmering about something which is irritating me but being afraid to mention it in a calm way for fear of starting a spiral argument of frustration and shouting*

BF: *continuing to do thing which is irritating me without seeming to realise*

ME: *finally snapping and making an irrational comment*

BF: *rising to irrational comment by snapping back nastily, making me feel defensive*

followed by....

me trying to put my point across, BF talking over me and not letting me finish (assuming he already knows what I'm going to say so not thinking he needs to listen), me getting shoutier and swearier the more he does it, me stomping off and not speaking to him for, perhaps hours (I am VERY good at sulking and holding a grudge), BF then talking to me as if nothing has happened, whole argument starting again before we finally realise that neither one of us is ever wrong.

Phew.

My point; BF makes me feel as though my feelings are not valid so if he doesn't agree with me about something then I have no right to get upset. His point; it's not his intention to make me feel that way so it's my fault for getting upset over a 'perceived' slight.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggh

It gets us nowhere fast. It gets me incredibly pissed off and frustrated, and it makes us shout at each other :-(

So, would I prefer it if we never argued at all? Well I just found this little excerpt from a blog:

When couples tell me they have emotional intimacy I often ask them about their fighting style. If they tell me they don’t ever fight I am quite assured that they don’t have true intimacy. When two separate people join together for common life goals, clashes are inevitable.

I'm not saying that my relationship is better than my friends' but this quote hit the nail on the head for me; it's about intimacy isn't it? Or at least having a bit of spark? Friend hasn't told me in so many words but I also get the impression that their sex life is (I think by choice) not that 'abundant' shall we say, and if you haven't got arguing or sex, what have you got? A nice safe and companionable but, dare I say it, dull life?

I think I'll work on my arguing and communication style and opt to keep the spark going

I've calmed down a bit now....

Yep, I was feeling really quite crap after Christmas and New Year :-(



But I've calmed down a bit now. Lost some weight, been away for a girly weekend, and BF and I have been drinking MUCH less. What's more he is making noises about giving up smoking, which is something which lurks in the back of my mind constantly (not to mention the smell lurking around the house in a very real and not virtual manner....)

I'm gradually shedding the responsibilities of a post from which I recently stepped down, which has also made a MASSIVE difference (see here!):



At some point I will post about the friend who I think doesn't like me anymore, and how I am actually starting not to care.



After months (probably years) of feeling low and thinking that I am unlovable, I returned home to a (relatively) tidy house which BF had kept up while looking after 2 sons and a dog. Eldest son flung himself at me for rare cuddles and youngest son stared in wonder at my face for a while during the first cuddle. So I'm not so worried about point number 4 now either :-)

Early Menopause?

So on to my next panic/worry....

I've got two children - my lovely 8 year old from my disastrous marriage, and my lovely nearly 2 year old with current BF. We want another, and our family will be complete :-)

Youngest son was conceived after a year of trying, followed by drugs :-)



I have just come off the pill, waiting until an upcoming skiing holiday was out of the way (just in case!)

The night before last I was literally drenched in sweat all night - coming off the booze perhaps? I haven't had a drink for 4 days (not much I know, but an achievement nonetheless) so of course I googled it......

One of the most common causes of night sweats in women over 40 is the hormonal changes related to menopause and perimenopause. This is a very common occurrence during the menopause transition years and while annoying, it is not necessarily dangerous or a sign of underlying disease. Some women experience night sweats during pregnancy due to hormonal changes.

Of course this isn't the only solution but it caught my eye - when I was being tested to see if I was ovulating last time (I wasn't) they checked to see if I had started the menopause (I hadn't). What if I have now? What if I can't have my 3rd baby?

It's selfish I know, some people yearn for years for the chance just to have one, and I would be able to be content with my beautiful boys but still........

I'm ringing the doctor today to start the ball rolling................

It's been a while....

....but I'm back. With a headache brought on by a drastic Dukan diet necessitated by the huge excesses of the holidays and a number of panics:

1. That my relationship is going down the pan because of our excessive drinking.
2. That I'm going through the early menopause and therefore won't be able to have our longed for 3rd child
3. That one of my friends doesn't like me any more.
4. That I am really not a very good mother at all.



Which isn't good. I'll take them one at a time, starting with number one.....

I drink too much, and so does my partner. It's not a surprise and we are both well aware of it, but events over Christmas and New Year brought everything into a very sharp and frankly painful perspective. It culminated on Christmas night, after a looooooong day on about 4 hours sleep for both of us the previous night.

At the end of the day BF was so drunk he could barely stand up. I was drunk and very very tired. He looked to me to have the potential (in my drunken mind which exaggerated everything and over-reacted - I'm not going to lie) to be violent; me screaming at him to 'get out of my fucking house' repeatedly, followed by sobbing into his brother's shoulder in view of his mum and dad was not my proudest moment. It makes me feel sick with embarrassment to think of it now; more so that people (our own family? Friends?) will not want to spend time with us and frankly, who can blame them?

I'm miserable with it, I'm fed up. Just before New Year I informed BF that I would be leaving him in the New Year - he slept in the car that night (again, we were staying with friends who all rallied round, will they want to go away with us ever again? Possibly not?).

It has to stop, and the only ones who can do anything about it are us. We are going to supper tonight with friends - if we can have a civilized meal including a couple of glasses of wine, then I know we will have made a start......................